


Guns are hot

by marmolita



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Ancient Devices, Fluff, Humor, Masturbation, Nobody has any actual sex in this, Other, Sex Pollen, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:30:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6055002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmolita/pseuds/marmolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh, for the love of-- don't tell me <i>that</i> turns you on, is this some kind of, of weird military kink thing?  No, don't answer that, I don't actually want to know."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guns are hot

"Oh, for the love of-- don't tell me _that_ turns you on, is this some kind of, of weird military kink thing? No, don't answer that, I don't actually want to know."

"Rodney, just-- just shut up and get me back to the gate," Sheppard grumbled as Rodney moved him to the other side where the gun in his thigh holster would be out of reach.

It had started innocently enough. A quick trip through the gate to check some ruins on an uninhabited planet, no sign of Wraith or Genii or giant dinosaur monsters. After hacking through the dense vegetation and finding nothing to worry about, Sheppard had sent Ronon and Teyla back to keep an eye on the gate, just in case.

Then, Rodney said, "Just don't touch anything," while he analyzed the energy signature from a partially-collapsed building, and Sheppard's footsteps echoed as he poked around the ruins, and then an energy spike and a bright blue glow and Sheppard saying, "What the--"

And now here they were, Sheppard's arm slung over Rodney's shoulders and Rodney's arm around his waist, trying to drag all 180lbs of his team leader the four miles back to the gate. Sheppard was dizzy and staggering, unable to keep himself upright, and god _damn_ it Sheppard's fingers kept wandering up Rodney's neck before he'd catch himself and stop.

"I can't believe you activated some kind of Ancient sex device, were you just so single-mindedly thinking about your next conquest of a hot alien girl that you activated a neural interface _specifically to get you off_? This has to be a record for the absolute stupidest--"

"Save it, Rodney." God, Sheppard was trying but his _voice_ sounded like something out of a porno, all breathy and gaspy and Rodney rolled his eyes and kept walking.

"I knew something ridiculous like this was going to happen the moment you turned that thing on, right after it went off you had this look on your face like, like-- like the one that you get when you're checking out someone's ass and you think they're not going to see you doing it, no, don't try to argue with me, you know I've seen you doing it, you think Dr. Shin doesn't know you stare at her every time she leaves a room?"

"What-- It's not like I activated it on purpose, how was I supposed to know what the thing was going to--"

"I _told_ you not to touch anything, you complete imbecile! You'd think even the lowest-ranked airman in the Air Force could follow an order that simple, but no, not Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard who couldn't follow an order if his life depended on it." Sheppard made a strangled noise and Rodney glanced at him; he was biting his lip and breathing hard, and oh my god, "Does that seriously-- You get off on disobeying orders? Is that why you argue with Elizabeth so much? Is this some kind of sex thing with you and her? I bet you like it when she gets all pissy and says, 'I'm in charge of this mission, John, it's not your call,' and then you like it even better when you go behind her back to pull some crazy stunt anyway."

Sheppard didn't answer which was an answer in and of itself, and Rodney sighed, hitched Sheppard's arm higher over his shoulders, and helped him over a tangle of roots coming from some kind of tree that looked vaguely like a strangler fig. Not that Rodney knew much about trees, but he did take a trip to Australia for a conference one time, and--

"Shut. Up." Sheppard's voice was a low, throaty growl, and Rodney realized he must have been saying that last part out loud.

"No no, I'm never going to let you live this one down, you know that. 'Military commander of Atlantis brought to his knees by alien sex device,' it has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Sheppard groaned, stumbling so that Rodney wouldn't quite catch him, landing on his-- "Oh _come on_ , I didn't mean you should actually get on your knees, god, how am I supposed to know you like all this-- this kinky stuff? I'm actually _not_ trying to make your raging hormones worse, I promise, now will you _get up_ and get moving?"

But Sheppard didn't move, at least not to get up. His fist was clenched in the fabric of his pants, and he wasn't looking at Rodney, and he said, "Can you just-- can you give me a minute, I need to-- just--"

"Oh my god, yes, fine, go ahead and jerk off in the middle of an alien forest _for the third time_ , I'll just wait over here and cover my eyes. Why do things like this happen to me?" Rodney lamented, turning his back on Sheppard and trying hard not to listen to the sound of a belt unbuckling and a hand on flesh and the ridiculous _moan_ that was coming from Sheppard's throat. While Sheppard was catching his breath, Rodney radioed ahead to Teyla to dial the gate and make sure Carson would be ready with a medical team, because there was no way that three orgasms in less than an hour could possibly be healthy for a man of Sheppard's age.

"Is Colonel Sheppard alright?" Teyla asked, concerned.

"Yes, yes," Rodney replied, peeking at Sheppard from the corner of his eye to make sure he was still alive. "He got hit with a-- with some Ancient tech, made him dizzy, fever, that kind of thing, you know. We've got less than a mile to go, we'll be there soon. McKay out."

"Thanks," Sheppard muttered as he pulled his belt back into place.

"Oh I'm still not letting you live this down, it's just that Teyla's a very nice woman, and it's probably for the best if she doesn't know that you're going to be thinking about getting her naked as soon as you see her. Well, if she doesn't notice the situation in your pants, anyway." He helped Sheppard up and slung Sheppard's arm over his shoulders again. "Alright, up you go, we're almost there."

They had to stop again, just inside the treeline, either because Sheppard was just that far gone or because he was hoping a fourth orgasm would finally make his erection go away Rodney wasn't entirely sure, but listening to all these jerkoff sessions was starting to drive him a little crazy.

"Come on, come on," he urged while Sheppard unbuckled his pants again. "Can we just get this over with so I can come back here with a team of scientists who _know better_ than to touch things, or some marines who actually _follow orders_ , or even Elizabeth so she can maybe read the Ancient writing that was all over that place?" Sheppard made a sound somewhere between a growl and a sob, and Rodney added, "No, I didn't mean that I want Elizabeth to get hit by that thing, although, now that you mention it, yeah, hm, interesting, she would be far more fun to carry back to the gate in this situation than you are. Well, okay, maybe not, she's too professional for that, but it's a nice thought, anyway. Oh, are you done already?"

Sheppard's face was red and there was sweat trickling down his forehead and Rodney thought maybe Sheppard was going to bite through his lip, but then he just sighed and did his pants back up.

"McKay, please tell me this will not be in your mission report," Sheppard said, practically whining but then, he supposed, Sheppard _was_ pretty desperate at this point.

"What, you think Carson's going to falsify your medical records too when you get back? Sorry, Colonel, I don't think I have much of a choice on this one. Maybe we can skip the details though. Come on, the gate's right there, let's go."

When they entered the clearing Teyla took one look at Sheppard and her face changed from concerned to surprised to embarrassed and back to concerned again all in the span of a few seconds. Ronon shrugged and said, "The fuck happened to him?"

"He doesn't know how to keep his hands to himself is what," Rodney snapped, then rolled his eyes when Sheppard shivered under his arm and said, "For Christ's sake Sheppard, how you have managed to survive all these years I have no idea."

Carson was ready and waiting when they came through the gate into Atlantis. He took a hard look at Sheppard as they loaded him onto a stretcher and muttered, "Oh, lad, what have you gotten yourself into this time?"

"Never gonna let you live it down, Sheppard!" Rodney called after them as the stretcher was wheeled to the infirmary.

***
    
    
    SUBJECT: M5S-367 Initial Exploration Report
    AUTHOR: Rodney McKay, Ph.D.
    EXECUTIVE SUMMARY:
    Site of ruins approximately 4.2 miles northwest of gate.  No sign of habitation.  Ruins are Ancient in origin and occupy several thousand square feet.  Detected artificial magnetic field, indicating technology active but in energy-saving mode.  Energy frequency suggests scientific equipment or weaponry.  Recommend further study.
    
    Caution should be exercised when ATA carriers are present; Col Sheppard inadvertently activated hormone modulation device and required minor medical treatment.  No lasting effects.
    

***

"So, M5S-367, great date spot, right?" Rodney said, sliding in across from Sheppard and digging in to his dinner. Sheppard just glared at him. "I mean," he said between mouthfuls, "clearly you're going to take your next girlfriend there, because hello, multiple orgasms, right? Just without the rest of us having to haul your sorry ass around."

"Rodney," Sheppard said, in that dangerous voice he liked to use to intimidate bad guys. Too bad it had long since stopped working on Rodney. "Can we not talk about this?"

"It's like, like alien viagra, or no! It's like _Pon Farr_ , the urgent drive to mate."

"Who's mating?" Ronon asked from behind him, startling Rodney into nearly dropping his fork.

" _Nobody is mating_ ," Sheppard hissed. "Rodney was just," he made a circular motion with his hand, "describing one of his favorite episodes of Star Trek."

"Too bad," Ronon said, tearing into a roll. "You could probably have some great sex with that thing that hit you the other day."

There was a tense moment, in which Rodney and Sheppard both stared at Ronon, who was obliviously ripping a chunk of bread off with his teeth, and then Sheppard said, " _Rodney_ , what did you--"

"Nothing! Nothing, I swear! I didn't say a word to anyone! Not about the device or about your weird gun fetish or--"

"Guns are hot," Ronon said with a shrug. "That's not weird."

" _We are not talking about this!_ " Sheppard looked pointedly at Ronon. "That's an order." Silence fell, and all three of them turned back to eating.

It was several long minutes later before Sheppard's lips twitched into a sideways smirk and he said, "Okay, yeah, great date spot."

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, a million thanks to [misswonderheart](http://misswonderheart.tumblr.com) for beta!


End file.
